Aging has brought a certain kind of creativity. This tie was handsewn with fabric I designed from a notecard with my handwriting of the word, “fuckit”. Somedays, this word is my mantra in meditation sessions.
My sewing teacher made the tie for me as my sewing skills are currently stuck on zipper bags. But, I describe the tie as “hand-sewn and heartfelt”.
I used inks from a French company in business since Napoleon and, in fact, they provided him with their inks during his reign. I used these inks because it reminds me that some boastful pols ultimately can get exiled to remote islands by popular demand. A girl can hope, can’t she?
Tremendous boasting. Phenomenal boasting. Outstanding boasting. Donald Trump was boasting like no American president had ever boasted before. His boasts were some of the biggest boasts in the history of boasting. His boasts were truly incredible. You wouldn’t believe them.
Michael Deacon-Writer for UK The Telegraph-writing about recent Davos conference.
But it also reminds me why aging and my longevity (75) presents issues. Gerontologists and common sense suggest that the elderly folks need a viable social network in order to cope with the physical as well as psychological challenges of their elderliness but if you then add in batshit crazy politicians with a podium & water carriers who are not crazy just opportunists, and ‘righteous’ ones as well… Houston, we’ve got ourselves a problem.
Although loneliness may be on the rise in the younger populations as well, it is not an experience I often have. My need for a social network is more for support, not companionship. And, most importantly, a sense of purpose: am I useful to others and not just myself?
My viable social network needs some serious attention.
I know seniors from the YMCA who have more social connections than common sense and absolutely will not step foot in a senior center. “It’s not for me,” they say. But, 10 years ago, I used to volunteer there as a group leader for people who were caregivers to aging parents or friends so this time I went as a consumer, not an educator.
I wore my tie to my meditation group at the senior center. I don’t believe anyone was able to read the fine print or was interested.
But, meditation groups at a senior center proved to provoke me as well.
- The sessions are 30 minutes and begin at a set time. Inevitably, someone or several meditators are late. All for good reasons, you understand, but late nonetheless.
- The senior center keeps changing the room where it is held so if you weren’t late to start with you end up being late by the time you find the room.
- Inevitably, someone leaves their phone on and appears to have visual-motor difficulties locating their phone in their bag and some decide to answer it on their way out of the room. And, then, after they complete the call, they open the door and return to the room and apologize profusely.
- Given the senior nature of the participants, someone might have breathing whistles and/or high or low frequency sounds as they breathe in as well as out. Let’s face it, breathing in and out is a basic mediation skill, so if it’s noisy in that department, your group members have to include it in their mediation as well.
If I was a meditation teacher at the senior center it would require me to attend an anger management seminar afterward.
So, I decided that before I did something more inappropriate than wearing my ‘fuckit’ tie, I’d better drop out of the meditation sessions.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Carl Jung
Damn you, Carl Jung.
I’ve tried book clubs in the area and wouldn’t you know I wasn’t compatible with their reading list. I also don’t like going out at night so you’d better have a book I really want to read.
It is not the attitude gerontologists recommend. They recommend social connections and I decided I had to invest some time in creating new ones.
The problem is I don’t fit the profile of those who should connect with others.
One study said this:
Of 289 participants, 51% were female and the median age was 72 (interquartile range: 69–78). Most (76%) engaged with the community regularly, and 68% reported driving. Regarding social disconnection, a substantial minority of participants reported feeling as if they were burdensome to others (37%); as if they didn’t belong (27%); or that people would be better off if they were gone (15%); 52% reported at least one of these.
Social Disconnection with Older Adults
This fuckit ‘tude does not demonstrate stellar social skills. So, I know I have to stop wearing it. But, there are other issues. For example, most of these sample female participants in the study (76%) were engaged with the community regularly. A year ago, I had to go to the emergency room and honestly couldn’t think of a soul in my community who I’d ask to drive me so I drove myself.
And then they said that a substantial minority of participants (37%) reported feeling they were burdensome to others or as if they didn’t belong (27%) or, that people would be better off if they were gone (15%); 52% reported at least one of these.
I would check none of these boxes. But, if they phrased it differently I might check all.
I often feel like folks in my day to day are a burden to me. I’d be better off if they were gone or wish they simply weren’t in my environment.
- The guy in the pool decides to do laps in my non-lap area and tells me the lifeguard says he could. He swims like no human I’ve ever seen swim except maybe one drowning. There is chop in the pool worthy of a NASA helicopter picking up the astronauts from the space capsule in the Atlantic ocean.
- The woman in the supermarket check out line who saw my Max Factor ‘concealer’ makeup tube in the basket and proceeds to initiate a ‘make-up is bad’ screed ( I could still hear her as I left with my bag) to tell me how she’s NEVER worn makeup in her LIFE (that she did not have to point out) and can’t see why women go through all this. This is an example of someone who would be better off gone to another job (not a cosmetic counter) at the very minimum.
So, you see instead of me feeling like I don’t fit in, I more often feel others don’t fit in. Instead of feeling I am a burden to others, there are those who are a burden to me and, lastly, I feel some others would be better off gone rather than me.
The anger tapestry can sometimes contain sadness, fear, hopelessness.
Sharon Salzberg
Damn you, Sharon Salzberg.
Not good, I get it.
So, anyway, I am pushing myself to try harder with less live commentary except here. I don’t know how to actually score the UCLA loneliness survey which you can take here. But, I don’t think a human could be less at risk for loneliness and still be alive than my score. I rarely ever feel alone. Well, except when I need a ride to the emergency room.
The only thing I’ve been able to continue in my “outreach” program to create new social connections is a monthly midday Poetry group at an adjacent town library. The leader gives out copies of poems each month and we read them for the first time and then discuss. I love that I don’t have to read anything ahead of time because that mutes any outrage or adoration reflex that might be created by an author’s words if it was an assignment and read before the discussion group. I just discover the poems and the author that day along with my fellow participants.
Although, to be honest, when a thoughtful member of the group last time expressed that one final line of a poem was “depressing”, I, without a pause, said, “Whaaat! That’s the most optimistic line in all of her poems.”
There may be some aging citizens just not ready for prime time connecting.
